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Best cure for Swine Flu – Laughter

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A Guest Post by Jamshed.V. Rajan
Swine Flu is like Susan Boyle. It hasn’t really done much, but anyone with an internet connection has heard of it. - Read somewhere on the internet [Not heard of Susan Boyle?]

I know this article on Swine Flu is late. By the time you read this, it might not even be fashionable to speak about Swine Flu…but what could I do…there weren’t enough Swine Flu jokes on internet that I could copy.
The last time a girl called me a PIG, I thanked her for calling me a Pretty Indian Guy. But now times have changed and the same retort doesn’t hold good. Girls have started calling me a SWINE.
This article wouldn’t have come about, if it weren’t for my two and a half year old daughter who insisted that I re-read for the 1000th time the story titled: “The Three Little Pigs”. If my daughter wants something, she gets it….after all she is a cereal killer (Yes! She loves cereal. By the way, I am the first serial killer in my house…I never let Rekha watch any serials on TV). Anyway, coming back to the point…both my wife and I are scared of my daughter…so I re-read The Three Little Pigs story for the 1000th time.

Mid way thro’ the story I realized that it is the wolf and NOT Mexico that should be blamed for Swine Flu. If only the Wolf was a smart & strong blower…the three pigs would have died before they started infecting us all. (Not read the kid’s story, Three Little Pigs? Read it here).
I have another conspiracy theory that I will stand by in any court of law. I seriously think the Swine Flu is Osama Bin Laden’s handiwork. His sleeper agents in England & France started getting active in 1994 and by March 1996 the British Beef was banned and the Mad Cow Disease epidemic was born (View Mad Cow Disease Timeline). Osama’s plan didn’t go as he would have wanted and the US, one of the major consumers of steak, didn’t get affected much.
Osama Bin Laden then asked his sleeper agents in Hong Kong to start sleeping with Hens & their husbands (the roosters)…which resulted in the Avian Flu transferring to the Humans. What common folks like you don’t know is that of the 14 deaths that happened due to Bird Flu in Hong Kong in 2001, 10 were Osama’s sleeper agents (View Bird Flu Timeline). Five years & and ten deaths later…Osama Bin Laden would rue the day China declared Bird Flu Emergency…while US just laughed away unharmed.
Osama did make one last attempt to create havoc in US thro’ the bird flu – he tried to murder Donald Duck and pass it off as a case of Bird Flu. Unfortunately, when Osama’s sleeper agents kidnapped Donald Duck from in front of Disney Land’s entrance and tried to strangle him…a well built but naked man came out of Donald Duck’s clothes and ran away. I remember reading somewhere that Osama was surprised & shocked to know that Donald Duck isn’t a real bird.
After the Mad Cow disease failed to work, and Bird Flu refused to fly…Osama had to think of Swine Flu….and this time he has asked his sleeper agents in Mexico to sleep with Pigs.
Since the US had smartened after Osama’s biological warfare on US, Osama had to import the pigs in spare parts from different parts of the World and get them assembled in Mexico. Something similar to what Abdul Qadeer Khan, Father of Pakistan’s nuclear bomb did, to build his nuclear bomb. When Ouchmytoe’s correspondents tried to reach Abdul Qadeer Khan for his comments, all he had to say was: “I am upset with what my country has given in return…look at what India has given its Father of the Nuclear Bomb – APJ Abdul Kalam.”
I don’t know if you guys have seen people walking around in public places wearing stupid looking surgical masks. I have and I found that pathetic…with so many deaths from so many other diseases…why spread the panic that’s as common as common cold?
Not that I am not scared. The other day, not knowing that it was my wife who had plaited a pigtail for my daughter Rhea, I immediately rushed my daughter to the doctor…asking him if it was a Swine Flu symptom. Since the doctor knew me well, he handed me a tin and said: “Just apply this oinkment on Rhea’s forehead, twice a day and she will be fine in 3-4 days.”
Ghulam Nabi Azad, Minister of Health & Family Welfare of the Government of India is much smarter than I am. He has come up with a very smart plan to handle Swine Flu…his 9-word plan is: Stop eating bacon and pork…buy fish instead.”
I wouldn’t really mind if he had stuck to his 9-word plan….but now he has also banned Mexican Waves from all sporting events. “We will ban anything that’s Mexican,” he said in a press conference.
The never-accept-what-the-Government-says IPL commissioner Lalit Modi did try to get special permission for Mexican Waves in his IPL tournaments, citing public interest as the reason…but failed. When last heard he was in Hawaii popularizing a similar wave…just re-naming it as the Hawaiian wave.
As if his rule banning Mexican waves wasn’t enough Ghulam Nabi Azad also appeared on TV to say that swine flu was dangerous for every single person in India. I didn’t quite like the way he has been spreading the panic….but his statement does take a huge burden off my shoulders….for I am married and NOT single.
About the Author : Jamshed V Rajan (also known as Jammy) is Associate Vice President –
Product Management at He builds online communities in
exchange for money, which he hands over to his wife and 3-year-old
daughter for spending. Chat with him on jv.rajan[@] or call
him on 09971996581. He has a funny blog at

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