On The Topic of Marriage

Interesting ....marriage is always such a tricky subject, no wonder Bina was unwilling to be really candid. It takes a lot of gumption to thread-bare the not so pretty personal aspects of life, the most socially mobile and even the erudite don't do, so no surprises that even Bina has not.

Cheers! for many more..

Nishi Roy

Marriage is comittment,responsibility and ‘adjusting’ all rolled into one big mishmash. You have given different women’s point of view…which essentially remains the same ..albeit with minor tweeks ..to suit their immediate environment.
Arranged marriage is part of our tradition ,wherein two families equally matched on the socio- economic front take the decision to marry off their wards . It is a marriage of convenience ..and to make it a success is upto the families as a whole.
Love marriages are again the amalgamation of two individuals..who have similarities ..take the plunge and hope it works out. Again it is upto them to make things work favourably.
The common factor being that any success depends entirely on the individuals ability to cope and re-align their priorities ..
Marriage is a sacrifice for scores(majority) of women .. I truly wish and hope that women would be empowered enough to be perceived as equals and not just an ornamental trophy in the sacred institution of marriage…
Prabu

anu ye ek ehsaas hai vishvaas hai bandhan hai jeevan sathi pyara ho to har musibat har dukh seh sakte hai hamari shaadi ke 25yrs ho gaye hai magar hum har lamha jeete hai door jane par hum ek doosre ko miss karte hai even v cry during the conversation on mobile hum ek doosre ki compny aaj bhi enjoy karte hai pyar bhari nokjhok takraar sab hota hai magar zindgi mein pyar ke itne raang hai ki kya bataun alfaaz kam padenge shaadi ek aisa sunehra sansaar hai ki lagta hai ki yahi meri jannat hai....pyar ki khushboo chaaron taraf bikhri hai.......ankhon se pati aur bachhon ki bhasha samajh lena unki har jaruraton ko dekhna ...........anu.....25saal ki yaadein simat aaye hai maine har pal mein zindgi ko jeeya hai shaadi bahut he pyara ehsaas hai kabhi milenge toh aur bataungi.........bye

The interview with Bina touched me. Anumita, you have truly outdone yourself!

Moon Di,

tomar blog e lekha pora shuru korlam eii article ta diyei.
ar ami "obhibhuto".

sotti-i topic ta amader sobar porichito chena.. kachher.
kintu tar proti dharona-r je prokarbhed ta khub-i chhuye gelo.

Iti,
Sanhita...

Got some great insights from ur blog, Anu! The interviews r very well done too! Loved ur mother's & Poulomi's views on a successful marriage. What I found amazing & very endearing 'bout both was the fact that neither had any heavenly or unreal expectations from this institution. Marriage, according to me is a relationship like any other, we just attach too much importance & expect huge things out of it, & when those expectations r not met, we r disappointed & disillusioned. Our egos get bruised and break ups happen. Have u ever wondered why the anger & disappointment is so much more when a boyfriend/ husband fails to keep up a movie date or something similar versus a sibling, relative or a friend doing the same? Ur Maa & Poulomi talk 'bout 'bout very simple things in life, like mutual respect, support, understanding, companionship, positivity, all of which I think make a strong and balanced marriage, u don't find them cribbing & complaining 'bout husbands not spending enough time with them, not taking them on expensive vacations, not being present for b'days & anniversaries kind of things etc...it was so refreshing & inspiring to hear them speak! As for Bina, I couldn't help but feel compassion towards her, even upscale marriages have so much abuse hidden but people continue to put on an act & live in a sham marriage for the fear of being judged or pitied & where a divorce would be a much more dignified & honorable decision! & Also might give one a chance for a happier future! Great work there, Anu!

I'm so glad to see that Rina aunty has not only defined marriage so well but has also lived it by example; whereas in today's generation if you ask the 20-30 yr. olds the definition of marriage, they'll be stumped. When and how did this important message get lost ?

If you look at the women in their 20s who are in the matrimonial market, you get a feeling that their rush to getting married is akin to winning some kind of a contest. This holds true for majority of the women in their mid to late 20s. Once they cross 30, they seem to get into a panic mode. This matrimonial contest seems hilarious, like a mad dash to snag the first male available, get hitched and then flood their FB pages with their bridal images. Once the trophy (the groom) has been obtained and the honeymoon ends, trouble unfortunately begins.

In our society, we are so much programmed to think that a girl’s only goal is to get married regardless of her academic and/or career accomplishments. Daughters are seldom told that marriage should be an option. In majority of the cases, the girl holds no identity unless she’s standing next to a husband. Unlike Rina aunty and some of our parents, not many elders care to explain to their daughters as to why they should get married, what to expect in a marriage, how to handle difficult situations in a marriage and most importantly, what are the attributes that one should look for in a husband, ie, there's a complete lack of mentorship when it comes to marriage. The race begins with the parents groom search and ends with their child’s marriage and in many cases a divorce. People who are entering a marriage for the first time should be educated about it so that they don’t jeopardize theirs and their families’ lives. Parents need to initiate that process early on and teach their sons and daughters that marriage is a partnership that’ll have ups and downs but as long as there’s mutual trust, respect and love, they should try to overcome their hurdles. If both adults approach marriage with a sense of responsibility and ownership, then perhaps we could see lower divorce rates. Parents should also educate their kids that when the respect, trust and love disappears from a marriage, the spouses need to respect themselves and check out of the marriage. Legitimate divorces are still a taboo in our society and the society can be pretty unforgiving towards the divorced wife. Many parents go to the extent of giving their daughters an ultimatum as a result of which they are unable to break away from a toxic marriage.

Bina was a perfect example of being in denial about what her marriage is, what is right or wrong in a marriage and this has nothing to do with her impoverished background. It has to do with what she has seen growing up and what she has been taught, i.e., to accept all the negatives that come her way and never to stand up and fight the injustices. Sadly, you’ll see plenty of Binas in the middle and upper class families also.

Loved watching all of them and listen to their views. Your mother is so profound in her thoughts, well I didnt expect anything less, considering how amazing a lady you have turned out to be in your life, Anumita !! Rina's interview was very interesting considering what actually was the situation. Yes hats off to Poulomi who runs the house all by herself and specially being pregnant at this moment. This proves why we worship Goddess durga. Woman- a multifaceted creation of God. Dash Bhuja Dharini !!

Anu,
This is a good piece and liked the way you did it. The idea is good but I would prefer if you have more people like your Mom who has a strong understanding of what she wants. I think the other two women are too weak in expressing their views. What is your view? I am interested to know.
Personally I don't believe in the institution of "Marriage" but completely agree with your mom that its 50% of each partner's contribution and friendship. You are too lucky to have a mom like this. So as long as two people can stay together and meet these requirements it is Marriage to me. It is honor and trust between two people and then extended to kids till they flew off. Your husband/partner is someone whom u can fall over when in trouble and can share everything which u are hiding from your parents and friends. This is not something you have to accept because society wants that but rather a happy journey together in life and enjoy the heavenly feelings of having kids as a result of this union.

Thank you for this good post which makes me look inside and give a thought.

Surjasikha

Marriage is a relationship that binds two people in one string. It is about connecting with someone on various levels like you have not connected with anyone else before, and it's about loyalty to each other and to your relationship. It includes many sacrifices, happiness and sorrows. Liked your mother's conversation a lot .

Mithu Dutta Sen.

I have managed newsrooms for many years. I am amazed at the ease with which you talk to people, despite the fact that you have no formal training. Notable among these are the first and the last interviews. It's not easy to talk to your mother (Rina Chatterjee) on such a subject with complete objectivity. I might have stumbled, honestly.

The last interview tells us so much about women and their pride in the institution of marriage though that person's marriage might have been tempestuous. Very gently, between the lines, you get the message across, handling it deftly. You cause no embarrassment to Bina. That's what a good journalist should do.

You caught your friend napping too. But it was so gentle that she did not feel it. Poulomi has a tough life. In an all women household things are certainly not easy. But her resolve to carry it through is indeed praiseworthy. Poulomi proves that love indeed can move mountains!

Somewhere, the three worlds of these three wonderful women meet. And the horizon is not so distant.

Keep blogging, keep reporting, ACR :)

Cheers!

Arindam Roy